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You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.
Wine is just grapes for procrastinators.
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
If it doesn`t include antidepressants, they shouldn`t call it a Happy Meal.
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
I`ve never said "in all seriousness" and actually meant it.
Time to get out of bed and worry from another location.
i just caught a disease so rare that even i dont have it .
Lesson Learned: I poured bleach on the asshole that cut me off at the self-checkout. According to the cop, I misunderstood asshole bleaching.
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
To calculate the average number of times a guy has sex per week, multiply the number of fantasy football leagues he`s in by the number zero.
They should make Vodka ChapStick
When the zombie apocalypse happens, I’m going to blast Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, while the zombies chase us, just to lighten the mood.
There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves