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I just made you think of an elephant
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
Don`t do drugs. Become a Pop star and they give `em to you FOR FREE!
Scientists have recently discovered that approximately 2% of Earth`s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I used to think i was good at multi-tasking. Turns out its just my multiple personalities doing one task at a time.
When I see a tire swing swaying gently in the breeze, I like to believe its daydreaming about life on the open road.
Go ahead, judge me. Wait, let me get my bat first. Alright, I`m ready now.
Just remember, outside of that beautiful slim bride on her wedding day there’s a fat woman just waiting to get in.
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those medications.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep.
is ready to have one too many!