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Opposites attract, that’s the trouble with being awesome.
In an alternate universe cats feed humans Lean Cuisines while muttering "I don`t know how you eat that sh!t".
If airports are so safe, why are the buildings called Terminal
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he`s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Without facebook: more sleep, less drama, and a life!
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
I have very poor ninja skills when it comes to staring at cleavage.
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
Hash browns not tags.
Adding "and sh!t" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator. Hahaha I’m so sorry. No I’m not.
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
"LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can`t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.