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My doctor told me to stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing.
A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
Hey! Did any of you see my........ Oh ! Never mind... :D How much of you said that before? heee heee hee!
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she`s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
If you ever get caught sleeping during work, just slowly raise your hand and say "In Jesus name I pray, Amen."
Take my advice, I’m not going to use it.
Guys say that women should come with instructions, but what`s the point. Have you ever seen a man read instructions?
I`m going to switch my car insurance from Geico to Allstate, then to Statefarm, then back to Geico. If my calculations are correct, they should owe me $837
If Facebook isn’t a drug then someone please explain to me why I sneak into the bathroom at work to use it.
Mouth the word " vacuum" to a stranger & see what happens.
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.
I need to put someone on my weekend to-do list