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I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
Decided to get in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich!
I always get this dream where I`m driving in reverse ...Then I wake up and see that I`m driving normally.
Girls these days be like `I wanna get the Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet`N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice tan look`
The true trollers are the ones who troll the trolls.
I need a bank to do two things for me: give me a loan and leave me alone