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This bank pen tastes like it`s been in a lot of other people`s mouths
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
People who try to test my patience don`t realize it`s an exam I don`t plan on passing
Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I meant but shouldn`t have said out loud.
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I`m not a shopaholic.
Iām a proud supporter of messy hair and sweatpants.
I ate gummy bears and didn`t bite off their heads or make screaming noises as they entered my mouth and I think this means I`m an adult now.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
Have you ever wondered if God looks down at you in a humorous moment, chuckles to himself, and says "yeah I made that!"
Glad McDonald`s don`t serve hotdogs, I don`t think I could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
I`m about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.