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I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now.
So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I turned a whole student loan into beer once. your move Jesus.
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
You`re the kind of friend I text when I`m pooping and need something to do.
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
You chicks spend a lot of money on makeup to look pretty. Save your cash, buy him Alcohol.
If we all had to wear a warning label, what would yours say?