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I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
To be Frank, I`ll have to change my name.
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew who has to follow the Kardashian’s 24/7.
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
I`ve been calling my wife "honey" for 12 years because I don`t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
homework wont kill me, but why take the risk!
I’d slap you but I’m pretty sure they would call it animal cruelty.
What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside
I like to say my kid handles funds for a multi-billion dollar corporation. It`s easier than saying he is a cashier at McDonald`s
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?