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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
I prefer to be crazy and happy rather than normal and bitter......
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
Mythbusters is basically my childhood with a much larger explosives budget.
spank me, its the only way i`ll learn.
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
Ever notice your Christmas stocking has just enough room for chocolates and a bottle of wine. Coincidence? I don`t think soooo.
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.
Sometimes you just need to do something stupid while sober so that people will leave you alone about your drinking.