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Looking for one night stand! Probably need two! I have a lot of books
If I won the lottery, I could make a whole lotta people miserable
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
I just got gas for $1.79... Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.
Redneck Word : debate...i was gonna go fishin today but forgot to bring debate
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
My car broke down outside a massage parlor on today ... And again tomorrow.
I want to be something scary for Halloween so I am going as a positive pregnancy test......
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she`s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming... 1. Whenever you`re wrong, admit it, 2. Whenever you`re right, shut up.
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
I run a non-profit company. It`s not for a good cause or anything, I`m just not very good at business.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
Expect nothing and you`ll be impressed every day.