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Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you`re able to "fall asleep right now."
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we`re taking it slow now.
Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is BS!
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
Of course everyone deserves a 2nd chance, but I gave yours to someone else.
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
Happy 15th birthday google, 3 more years and you will be able to search for adult sites legally
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"