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I wonder how seaworld would react if I walked in there with a fishing pole....
How the hell can Dora call herself an explorer if she only goes to places already on the map?
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
My dog’s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I’d like it to be.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
Some people want a perfect relationship. I just want a cheeseburger that looks like the ones in commercials.
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
So far my only real accomplishment in life has been not having kids.
I got kicked out of the audience of "Cats" on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Took my 3rd self-defense class, so if anyone feels like attacking me straight on, very slowly, w/ a fake knife in their right hand, BRING IT
I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.