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Did you guys know grammar police rhymes with humorless a$$hole?
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
You know it`s a good night when you wake up with gum in your bellybutton.
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one.
Spontaneity is great ... as long as I have a plan.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
“Yes” is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks you’ve consumed.
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
Yawning is the body`s way of saying `10% Battery Remaining`.