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I`ve been having really bad headaches lately. The doctor said they were all in my head.
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
Maybe it`s inappropriate for the first date but if there`s a maze on the menu I`m asking for crayons.
If you`re married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
sorry abaut the message I sent you last night, my phone was drunk!
Saying something stupid and thinking “Yeah, that sounded way better in my head"
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I live in fear of finding hidden cameras in my house & not being able to explain why I do all those random karate kicks directed at no one.
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.