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Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
Nothing like calling off work and watching porn all morning.
I`m on a pepperoni pizza cleanse.
llllllloooollllll...........................i saw a donkey on a bike
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
Apparently my socks never remember “The Buddy System” whenever I wash them.
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
Are you supposed to get an email that says “HAHAHAHAHA” after signing up for Match.com?
If the shoe fits, shove it further up their a$$
Those days where you don`t take anyone`s sh!t ... Yeah, today is one of those days.
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels