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Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
"Trust me, you can dance." -Vodka
Walmart killed the traveling circus.
I’m offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
Home is where you can say anything you want, because nobody listens to you anyway.
If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin, muffins are healthy :) your welcome.
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
You could`ve told me that wasn`t your real name before I got the tattoo.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
Working in retail has taught me that the customer is always right. At least while they`re in earshot...
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren`t we helping to find them?
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”