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Its all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw.
I never make stupid mistakes ... only very clever ones
When I see you in hell I`ll still ignore you
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
What`s worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Pretty sure I look forward to my boss` vacation`s more than he does.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
I hate being bi-polar. It`s awesome.
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.