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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
Proposing to a woman isn’t like choosing a life-long business partner. It’s more like hiring your own boss.
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
Every time I see a preview for Hoarders, I grab the closest thing to me and immediately throw it away.
I don’t love being single but I do love being happy.
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I’m always ready for bed
If cartoons can wear the same clothes everyday then so can I, dammit!
I’m always in a rush to get home so I can do absolutely nothing.
Your clothes are making me extremely uncomfortable. Please, take them off.
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy
Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I`m Confused.