Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I wish, just once, I could actually hit the pedestrian crossing the road slow with the "what`re gonna do, hit me" look on their face.
Please pay me in cash. I`m not trying to hide money from the IRS, I`m trying to hide it from the MRS.
I`m not really much of a plumber, but I have laid some pipe before.
Just realized that 90% of Disney cartoons involve lying about your identity to get someone to love you.
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
I always wrap someone`s fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock.
University; It`s like being unemployed, but your parents are proud of you.
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
Have you ever noticed how people who play candy crush are always saying they need a life?
After 6 years, is it still all Bush`s fault or has it been reduced to "Unfortunate circumstances under no one`s control"?..............
I thought an emu was when you sent someone a cow via cyber mail.
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
The trouble with jogging is, that by the time you realize you`re not in shape, it`s too far to walk back.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
If your friends tell you not to give in to peer pressure and you don`t: technically, you did