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I love a good nap. Sometimes it`s the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning.
An awkward morning beats a boring night.
If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
The best way to scare a man is to use the urinal stall next to him. This works exceptionally well if you are a woman.
I just decorated my bedroom to look like my desk at work so I can fall sleep faster.
90% of the apps on my phone don’t do anything except send me notices that there’s a new version of itself.
my mom and I have so much in common..she doesn`t listen and niether do I :p
I hate it when people dont know the differece between Ur and U`r
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.