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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
I lent my girlfriend ten grand to get plastic surgery, and now she left me and I don’t know what she looks like.
I`m not a doctor but I play one on Match.com
Every day is a struggle between wanting to lose weight and wanting to eat my weight in pizza.
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
Felt like being Bad today, like an Outlaw Bad, felt like doing something illegal, so I ran through the house ripping off all the Mattress Tags..... Come and get me Coppers, but you won`t take me alive.......................
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
A smile is the same in every language, I`m pretty sure the pee pee dance is too
Absolutely is my favourite nothing to do...
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka