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If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
I`m not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I`m forgetting to do.
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There`s like 10 women to each man and they`re already there looking for things they don`t need.
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
Today I think I`ll send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" ...JUST to see how many responses I will get. ;)
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"
Please be patient...I`m fcuking things up as fast as I can.