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Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
Don`t ever forget.. I`m always here. A l w a y s. Scrolling. Judging. Judging. Scrolling. That`s right. I see everything.
I`m going to buy a new dictionary. After watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don`t understand the meaning of Final.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
Hey.. The tequila I drank wants to tell you a secret.
I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I`m going to a different cafe.
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
The awkward moment when you’ve already said “what?” three times and still have no idea what the person said, so you just agree.