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Buying new Nikes, call that soul searching
Basically the way it works is I tell myself I`m not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
We`re all brave until we realize the cockroach has wings
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
Cool things about being a turtle: 1. Born with a free house attached to you 2. Super chill 3. Could potentially mutate into a ninja
One square left on the toilet roll and no extras in the cupboard. Well played, honey. Well played.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and then six months later you have to do it all over again.
No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change
If a group of midgets performed the YMCA song, it is to be considered that they did it in lowercase?
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.
I don`t like people who hate certain group of people. But I get along very well with people who hate everybody equally.