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Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
If you never set it, you always have the excuse, "I overslept because the alarm didn`t go off."
How many facebook friends do you have that if they posted "I`m depressed and on the edge", your first thought would be to poke them?
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.
OMG, you guys, there`s a button on this stove that says "Stop Time". Should I press it??
I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
If it was not for electricity, we would all be watching T.V. by candle light.
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out