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My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” would be a terrible way to let your child know that they’re adopted.
Sometimes it takes me 8 hours to get nothing done.
I thought 70 was the new 50, but the cop still gave me a ticket.
When in doubt, take a nap.
If I had a dollar for everytime i thought of you, I would start thinking about you!
I really need a day inbetween Saturday an Sunday
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I`m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
I`ve just realised that I`ve got one of those cool body types that can eat whatever I want and get fat.
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
is bored of being bored because being bored is boring.
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
When the machines rise up against the humans, just pray to your God that you`re nowhere near a dildo factory.
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords