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If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
I`m introducing a new calendar system: B.C. = Before Children. A.D. = After Divorce.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it´s still on the list.
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
They should really be Middle-Age Mutant Business Turtles by now.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I just realised that sex is like air..its not important unless you are not getting any.
Objects in spandex are larger than they appear
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn`t act the way he wanted.
I`m off to bed. For those of you who wish to add a touch of authenticity to your fantasies, the sheets are pale blue...
“I saw that.” -Karma
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.