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Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
Here`s a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Drinking after work
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it`s true calling: helping people wink online.
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
People think I`m crazy because I talk to my cat. What am I supposed to do? Just ignore him when he asks me a question?
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
Got a new blood pressure monitor, says it turns off after 6 minutes of inactivity .....
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked , "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "kindergarten".
When people ask me for advice, I tell them, “Use your best judgment,” which they clearly don’t have if they are asking me for advice.
First rule of Pizza club, you don’t share it.