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"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
I just peed so hard that I laughed a little.
Sorry, I can`t today ... My sister`s friend`s mother`s grandpa`s brother`s grandson`s cousin`s uncle`s fish died. Yes, it was tragic.
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
The number one key to a successful marriage is alcoholism.
New Years - the only day where its socially acceptable to drink this early.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Any person can be nice to my face, but it takes a real friend to be nice behind my back.
I hung a horseshoe above the door for goodluck ... My wife still came home ... Superstitions are stupid.
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
Like a good neighbor, stay over there
Dear whoever is playing sweet child o` mine at 2:30 in the night at full blaring volume to disturb the whole neighborhood......NICE!
It`s not "you`re" or "your". It`s mine. It`s all mine, everything is mine!
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.