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Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some sh!t.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
It`s like my kids don`t even believe how cool I was in the 80s.
What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I`m not everyone`s cup of tea ... I`d rather be someone`s shot of tequila away.
Today is Valentine’s Day or as I call it… Tuesday.
I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
My neighbors wifi isn`t working. Do you think they are aware and are trying to fix it, or should I go let them know?
I hate taking down Christmas decorations just to put up Halloween decorations...
Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"