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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
It’s ok if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right.
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I`m depressed.
I don`t exactly have a "to do" list. I have what you might call "If I ever log off Facebook and feel like getting around to doing it" list.
If the shampoo and conditioner in her shower are not the same brand GET THE F*CK OUT, SHE`S A MAN!
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
How come people who think they know everything never seem to know when to shut up?
?"Cheating" is such a strong word. I rather call it "talent scouting".
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
Seriousley.. The cuntestents in the 2013 speling beee contast hafe too now no the meening of the werd thay hafe been axed too spell. I coud rock that contast so eesy :))))) eg. The meening of "Easy". Anser: a kids oven