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Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
Don`t judge. Maybe I`m conducting a study of the effects of prolonged laziness on a human body. You don`t know.
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...
We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Obviously the movie "the good wife" is not based on a true story. It`s fiction people.
My 5 year plan includes purchasing a Slurpee machine.
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.