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If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot” ...you`re wasting everybody’s time.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
I’m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
There should be an observation deck at Walmart.
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas…
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.
Better late than pregnant.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.
I`m gonna just take a quick nap before I go to bed.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.