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Apparently I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
What happens on online stays online, forever and ever.
Don`t ask me how my night was coz I don`t know. I was asleep.
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
I saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons earlier.....must be going through a tough period in her life....
If someone starts a sentence with "words can`t express," brace yourself, because they`re about to give it a hell of a try anyway.
I`m not always rude. Sometimes I`m sleeping.
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
Any woman can make you a Millionaire.. You only have to be a Billionaire first.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.