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I wish more people were fluent in silence.
Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
You know you`re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that`s a D you moron !
My Facebook weather forecast looks like I can expect 2 or 3 inches of drama tonight followed by a lot of bullsh!t blowing in from all directions in the morning.
Drinking Tip: Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.