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I got kicked out of the pool today ... apperently the breaststroke isn`t what I thought it was.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn`t mean together.
We all need to take great interest in our future because we will spend the rest of our life there.
A sign on the wall of the drug store said, "Ask the pharmacist if you have questions." How would the pharmacist know if I have questions?
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
bored out of my mind in class i began staring into space... space happened to be right in front of me at the time...
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
When a girl says "no," a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there`s only 36 shades of grey
My wife says I should use the term "make love" instead of "f*ck.". What the make love is she talking about?
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.