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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
I realized my superpower.. I can walk into ANY bathroom.. And the toilet paper roll will be empty..
I love this oscillating fan, 5 out of every 15 seconds.
woman belong in the kitchen? thats where the knives are you fool.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
Me at age 5 "I wish I had a $1" Me at age 10 "I wish I had $100" Me at age 17 "I wish I had $1,000,000" Me at age 26 "I wish I had $1"
This police sketch artist has no idea that he`s about to draw me as the most bad ass Batman caricature ever.
If practice makes perfect, one day I will make the perfect mistake.
If all men are created equal then why are there midgets?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.