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The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
This status could be yours for 3 easy payment of $8.99, get in quick because this offer won`t last for long, infact there are only 5 left.
I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I`m not a good liar.
If all men are created equal then why are there midgets?
My problem is that all food is comfort food
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the bitch that they claim I am.
Next time you`re in a hospital elevator, calmly ask a stranger if they know what floor you should get off at for infectious diseases.
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."
I was always a believer in evolution....then I spent an hour at Walmart and now I`m not so sure