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I got drunk last night and watched the most hilarious television show for hours until I sobered up and realized it was just a mirror.
Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
If someone hates you for no apparent reason, give them one.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
If you`re gonna label the silica gel "do not eat", maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me
If you have really strong opinions on subjects that you know very little about... then Facebook just may be the perfect thing for you.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.