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Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
You can really scare someone when you yell "Peek-a-boo!". Especially when they`re trying on clothes in the fitting room.
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb. Maybe she wasn`t that hungry.
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.
This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents` house
I spent the first 20 minutes of 2014 looking for the remote.