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Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
My coworker`s inspire me to drink on the job.
Anybody else have that annoying problem of Work and Family interfering with your FaceBook time?
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
The whole purpose of vacationing is to make you appreciate knowing where the channels are at home.
I farted on my wallet. Now I have gas money
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
They should open a bar and call it "The Gym" so I can be like those annoying people on Facebook who brag about going to the gym every day.
How do we not have lightsabers yet? Its like scientists aren´t even trying.
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
My problem is, I`m about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone