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Somewhere someone`s therapist knows you.
Nothing says "I mean business" like bringing a shopping cart to the liquor store.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
when my swear jar gets full I`m going to use the money to buy a f*cking puppy
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
It`s a beautiful day. I think I`ll skip my meds and stir things up a bit
If u think I talk to much, just let me know. We can talk about it!
Plot twist: name your pets after passwords.
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
"That looks interesting. I think I`ll eat it." - Sharks and Toddlers
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it`s voice activated. I`m at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.