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wants my 260 FB friends to know I love you all..except #193
If you answer the phone and say "Hello, you`re on the air." most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
Only awesome people are allowed to ‘LIKE’ this status!
If you can`t handle your alcohol I would gladly help you out
If I didn`t drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed and it was....GREAT!
The general rule is that you shouldn`t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!