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I`m a spontaneous procrastinator
I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of "capes in the toilet water" accidents when they went to take a dump.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
8 more days and I will finally get rid of last years Halloween candy.
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
Your mother never saw the irony in calling you son of a bitch.
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal