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They say the camera adds 10lbs. Stop eating cameras!
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
When Life Gives You Lemons Don`t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don`t want your damn lemons! What am I supposed to do with these?! Demand to see life`s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I`m the man who`s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I`m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
Sorry I missed your call. I was peeing and had both hands full.
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car