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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
Worries about the economy grow again after the world`s biggest yacht-selling company announce a drop in sails
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
I swear, if my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
Just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.
50 notifications later I regret ever commenting on your status.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess.
I like when google answers my stupid questions because it means I’m not the only one asking google stupid questions.
is wondering why books on "how to make women happy" arent displayed in the fiction section
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
Nice try speed bumps, it`s a rental.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.