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The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
I`m going to buy a new dictionary. After watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don`t understand the meaning of Final.
A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there`s a cop hiding in the bushes
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
What would I do if I won the lottery? Make Charlie Sheen look like an amateur.
"Open Mike Night" sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I`d been invited to an autopsy.
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
Cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag? Me: No, let`s just keep it in the carton, ok?
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
Today feels like a stay in bed, pull the blankets over your head, and pretend you`re on an adventure in a kangaroo`s pouch type of day