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It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced [hah hah fuhk yoo]!!
Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
Women are so jealous. I bet Eve counted Adam`s ribs everyday to see if another woman had been created.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they`re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written "f*ck off forever" instead of "keep in touch" in your yearbook.
buying an old Mercedes Benz so that people may think you have been rich all along
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
You`re the reason why I wake up every morning... Just kidding, I have to go to work.