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A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
It`s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
I don`t care what people think of me. It can`t be half as bad as what I think of them...
You know you`re getting old when bending over is a one-way trip.
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
Ironman and Batman`s only super powers is being super rich and smart really makes Bill Gates a real disappointment.
is without a doubt, the most popular and best looking person using this laptop.
A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Most of the lies I tell aren`t even true!