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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
Currently in the planning stages for a hangover.
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. ...I sure hope they let me back in Walmart.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant. Agree or nah??
Life is like “Facebook” – People will like your problems & comment; But no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs.
No matter what you do on the computer you always end up on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or Youtube.
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
If you think my status updates are ridiculous you should see my life choices
Dear life, When I said "can my day get any worse?" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
i just fell off a 20ft ladder.. good thing I was on the first step.
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.
5 symptoms of laziness –> 1.