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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
There are no winners the day following a green beer, corned beef, and cabbage binge.
I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Scratching off a lotto ticket before you leave the store is a good way of letting people know that your life isn`t going according to plan.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
You know you`re broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!
The Push Up ice cream company should just buy out Pringles and make all of our lives easier.
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
"I`ll drink to that." -me to my next drink
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.