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I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet. So I have switched to mint Oreos.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I`m an adult. Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It`s because I`m poor.
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
My New Year`s resolution is to stop pointing my car alarm remote at my apartment front door expecting to unlock it
I am totally lacking the "zippity" part of my "do dah day."
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
Life in the fast lane ? Heck, I live in oncoming traffic.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five the sh!t out of each other because it`s negative.
To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.