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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life.
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
I used to have superpowers but the psychiatrist took them away.
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
If every porkshop was perfect, we wouldn`t have hot dogs.
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
99% of people in this world are stupid, luckily I`m in the other 2%
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.